Addiction and the Nice Girl
by Rebecca Welch
What does an addict look like? Well, they’re usually male, aren’t they, and they lie around in shop doorways. If they get a job, they don’t keep it very long, because they steal money and they’re aggressive. Right?
Wrong. Today’s addict is just as likely to be female, well groomed and apparently in control of her life. She has a job, in fact she has a career – and she’s probably very good at it. You certainly know one, in fact you may be one – you just might shy away from using That Word.
When Deanna came to see us at Tadpole Hypnotherapy, she
was just about to get married. She had a good job, and had everything going for her – she just couldn’t get to sleep at night without that joint that her boyfriend rolled for her. Only one, but she had to have it.
When I saw Chris, she told me how proud she was of her job as a personal trainer and single mum. In the peak of physical fitness, determined and spirited, this didn’t strike me as a girl with a problem. And really, she said, it wasn’t a problem, the wine. Except that when she poured one glass, suddenly she’d had three. And if there wasn’t any in the house, she had to get her neighbour’s daughter to sit with the kids while she popped round to the shops.
Sisters are doing it for themselves today, and that means more responsibility combined with more freedom. Frequently financially independent and with a stilletto’d heel on the career ladder, they have disposable income and no-one to tell them what they can and can’t do.
But working long hours, looking good and acting great often means feeling lousy. And why shouldn’t they have a little treat, kick back, relax, join the girls? After all, no-one’s getting hurt, and they can afford it.
From shopping to wine, smoking to gambling, chocolate to sex, today’s girls are growing increasingly dependent on the luxury goods we once aspired to. Let’s face it, 50 years ago, if you could get it, it was rationed, and if it wasn’t rationed, it made you pregnant!
The “have-it-all” culture is part of the problem. When we feel bad, we look for something that’s going to make us feel better – that’s a natural human reaction. When we find that something, it releases chemicals into the brain – mainly dopamine, the “expectation hormone” and serotonin, the “satisfaction hormone”. Essentially, dopamine is what you’re feeling as you take the dress up the cash till – a bit like butterflies in the stomach. Serotonin is the rush you get when it’s been wrapped in tissue paper and put into a beautiful bag for you to take away.
The trouble is, often we mistake what’s going to make us feel better, and that substance, or activity, “hijacks” the expectation pathway so we expect it to make us feel better again. It might be gambling, or alcohol, shopping or sex – what they all have in common is that each time, less and less of the “feel-good” hormones are being released, so we do more of the activity, take more of the substance, looking for that original high – and never finding it. As the body becomes more accustomed to it, so the effect it gives us is reduced.
Therapists’ clinics are full of people who can relate their addiction to a specific disappointment or bad time in their lives. Tracey had a huge row with her boyfriend, slammed out of the house, and went round to her brother’s. He gave her a joint to calm her down. The next time it happened, her body told her she needed cannabis to feel better, and so began a vicious cycle it took years to beat.
None of this is rocket science –we can all work out how this happens- but why is it becoming more prevalent? It comes down to the way in which people get their basic needs met. Research, primarily by Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell * has shown that people have specific needs to stay healthy. These include security, contact with other people, some degree of control over our lives, status, and need to be part of something useful or significant, whatever that may be.
When we try to get our needs met in inappropriate ways, we become ill. The need for control can turn into obsessive compulsive disorder. The need for status and contact with other people can mean we seek attention, or form relationships which aren’t good for us. And all the time, we rely on the wrong things to make us feel better, and wonder why they don’t.
It is possible to reverse the trend. With Deanna, we worked under hypnosis to confuse the pattern her mind had established. We talked about the future she wanted, her wedding, the children she hoped to have, and the fact that cannabis just didn’t feature in her new life. It was like wearing the shoes she’d worn when she was 10. With that motivation, Deanna was able to make the change she wanted, and get her needs met more appropriately.
Chris, too, was desperate to break her dependency on wine. Everyone has a strong motivating resource, and Chris’s was her children. Her image of herself as a good mother was just not in keeping with the way she felt about the wine. We worked together to untie the connections she’d made and really focus on the future she wanted.
So what can you do if you’ve become overly dependent on something? The first thing to do is to be honest with yourself. It’s a cliché to say that admitting it is half the battle, but it’s spot on – you want to be fighting the dependency, not yourself.
The second thing is to do some thinking about what need is not being met, or what you’re trying to substitute the behaviour or substance for. A hypnotherapist, will help you to work on your goals and practical ways to achieve them, but you don’t have to spend money – a good chat with a close friend may well give you the answers.
Look to the positive. Take a long bath or a walk, and really enjoy some time for you. Think about what will be different when you kick this habit. Who will notice first? What will they say to you? How will that feel? When I ask my clients those questions, and see the expressions on their faces, I know I’ve found those special resources they need to help them. What are yours?
Caroline’s dependence on chocolate had turned from something that made her feel better to a miserable secret. By the time she came to see us, she wanted that change so much she really wasn’t a chocoholic anymore – she just wanted permission to stop. And she found that when she felt low, a chat with a friend, or a walk with the dog made her feel better – and was a lot better for her.
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of self –indulgence. These days, it isn’t rationed and it doesn’t make you pregnant! But if your pleasures are a pain, you can make those changes, more easily than you think. Take back the control to get the control. Cheers!
* Human Givens: A New Approach to Emotional Health and Clear Thinking – Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell 2004. Further information on Human Givens (external link).
Case studies are based on an amalgamation of client sessions with separate individuals, illustrative of the principles involved. All names have been changed.
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